Emotions
by Huaile
Summary: James Carstairs had a soothing affect on me, he was the only person to ever escaped my wrath. He knew everything about me—save the curse; it killed me inside every time he looked at me with those odd—beautiful—silver eyes dull with disappointment. I couldn't risk killing him faster by loving him.
1. Yukuai (happy)

James Carstairs had a soothing effect on me, he was the only person to ever escaped my wrath. He knew everything about me—save the curse; it killed me inside every time he looked at me with those odd—beautiful—silver eyes dull with disappointment. I couldn't risk killing him faster by loving him.

I succumbed to that, of course, that night on Blackfriars Bridge, a month or so after he'd come. We were about ten then. By the Angel, he looked so beautiful: so strange and ethereal with the half moon's glow turning his gray streaked hair and dark gray eyes silvery-white, shining off his pale skin. And then he looked up at me, sleepy eyes wide, and he smiled at something I'd said, and I heard him laugh for the first time.

I swear, I could have kissed him then.

I should've...shouldn't have waited nearly nine years for that opportunity to come. I took it though, kissed him. And he jerked back, looking at me with those odd—beautiful—silver eyes wide in shock. I couldn't take it anymore, I was addicted, I kissed him again.

And this time, he slowly kissed me back.

* * *

I was like his instrument: he played me in every way possible, made me fall into his subtle traps. He'd planned for that night, the night where we...

Killed our first Greater Demon.

Hah, thought I was going to say _that_, didn't you? No, he did plan the demon kill though. Didn't plan..._that. _It was just...he was so adorable, (he insisted he was sexy) sprawled in a chair in the library, half asleep, staring at me with tousled hair (he'd been sleeping, though he stated otherwise) and lidded eyes and rumpled clothes. I had to.

I could swear by the Angel that we were meant to be together, in this way. We fit together with no gaps: psychically mentally, emotionally.

* * *

James Carstairs. We were both cursed, you know. He was cursed to die, I was cursed to love him (whomever I loved would die). To love him meant his death, to not love him was the both of our deaths. I'd kill myself to be with him. Really. Except...he didn't really love me, in the end. He wanted me, but when it came down to it, he chose Tessa. Even now, I think, _what was so good about her? What did she have that I didn't?_

Which was why I pretended to love her. To see what she had. What was it? Nothing.

By the Angel, he made me feel again. If I was ice, he was the gentle flame: he melted me to become like putty in his hands. I was more distraught when he became a Silent Brother than when I'd thought he'd died. It sounds stupid and petty, but I wanted us to die together. The pain when our _parabatai _connection was severed was nothing compared to the pain, agony, in my heart. I would've killed myself to be with him, my angel, my Jem. I had nothing to live for anyway, and everyone said that William Herondale would never live a long life, so why bother trying? Without Jem, my Jem, being alive was a chore, a living hell.

So why am I still here? Well, that comes later.

* * *

And the innocence in those odd—beautiful—silvery eyes had been completely and utterly shattered, and now I couldn't kiss the pain away. I would never be able to kiss those smiling lips.

Never be able to run my fingers down that trembling body.

Never make him call my name.

Never be able to see him again. Ever.

But when I saw him for the last time we'd be the same age, he whispered something in my head. "_Wo ai ni, William Herondale. Wo hui yongyuan ai ni. Huozhe dui wo lai shuo."_

And I don't know how I knew, but I did, that it meant: I love you, William Herondale. I'll always love you. Live, for me.

* * *

James Carstairs was many things to me, my first brother, my first friend, my _parabatai_, and dare I say it? My first love.

And he made me...

_Yukuai._

Happy.


	2. Bei (sadness)

What was William Herondale to me? Brother, friend, _parabatai_, even...love?

Of course, he knew of my affections towards him, just didn't know how deep my feelings ran, that I would do anything to keep him alive, to keep him happy. Even if that meant letting him go, letting him marry Tessa...even if it meant me leaving and never seeing him again, cutting off all ties that bound me to him, including our _parabatai_ bond.

Of course, I hadn't planned for it to come to this, I didn't even want to be his _parabatai_...becoming attached to him would only make my dying worse...but surprisingly, impossibly, uncannily, incomprehensibly, we became friends. I became the only trust of that small, obstinate boy; of that beautiful, sardonic man.

He was a strange boy...choosing _me_ of all people for his _parabatai_, even knowing I would soon die, even knowing I would never be as strong or as fast as him. Even knowing that you could only have a _parabatai_ once. Did he waste that in his rash choice? I think not...I think we were destined for each other...we were like two halves of one person.

I've lived long and still never met a person that knew me as well as him, who I trusted as much as him, who I loved as much as him. Not even Tessa, not even Emma. Tessa knew as much as I that she would always be second best, that I would always love William Herondale most. Even dead, he was more of a love than her.

It was ironic, I realize, thinking back on it. My shared love for William was exchanged for my inevitable early death. A fair price to pay, I suppose; most girls would do anything to gain Will's love. And even then, how DID William come to love me, when he could've had anyone he wanted, whether that person be male or female, young or old.

I think it was just that: I did not want him. I never treated him like he was Raziel's gift to man, I never fell all over myself for him. He was intrigued and forced himself on me, and he did succeed.

_I fell for him._

An easy thing, once I saw past the layers of sarcasm and rudeness, once I saw all of William: that he was tender, sweet, insecure. Afraid to let others get close for fear of loving them. And all because of the joke of a curse placed on him by that stupid demon.

Which was why he chose for me to be his parabatai; I was already dying. But maybe...maybe it wasn't just that. Maybe...

But even still, it was never meant to be, despite how much it seemed to be. I would die, and he would move on. It was forbidden to love your _parabatai_, as well; and William was never one for keeping secrets.

By the Angel, I still remember the betrayal in his eyes when he found out what I'd become. It hurt, it was the worst thing. Not faking my death, not leaving, not even that music was forbidden. It was the shock, the betrayal, the pain in my William's eyes.

My fingers itched everyday to write him songs, songs of love and lust, songs of woe and sorrow. I missed him most when I was...away. Everyday I replayed memories of him, everyday I thought of him. Everyday I tried, to no avail, not to cry.

Everyday, I half-wished there would be an emergency at the Institute that we would have to attend...anything, so that I could see William. Silent Brothers were not supposed to have clinging emotions like I—I was never as good as them at anything because of that. My emotions blocked my potential skills.

Do I regret my decision? No. Why did I not simply become a vampire and still live near the Institute then? I would not have been a true Shadowhunter. There is nothing worse than not being a Shadowhunter to me...it nearly killed me (no pun intended) to leave William, to become a Silent Brother without his knowing.

And yet—when I finally did see William, he was old, happy...dying. I was ecstatic and agonized at the same time; I'd finally been given my final chance to say goodbye...but this was it. _Yanluo_ would take my best friend, my brother, my parabatai, my love.

_And yet he would not take me._

I would always love him, that is true. But even as I stood at his deathbed, I felt at peace, knowing William would finally know the peace and freedom he so deserved. His dance with death was over.

And it always made me smile, to remember his last words to me, words spoken so smoothly it seemed he had whispered them to himself everyday.

"Wo ai ni, James Carstairs. Wo hui yongyuan ai ni. Huozhe dui wo lai shuo."

_I love you, James Carstairs. I will always love you. Live, for me._


End file.
